Let’s be real for a second—
We’ve all come across someone who made everything about them. Your feelings? Inconvenient. Your needs? A threat. Your boundaries? How dare you. And somewhere in between the gaslighting, the fake apologies, and the emotional rollercoaster, we find ourselves wondering:
Is narcissism a choice… or are some people just born to wreck other people’s peace?
It’s a heavy question. One that doesn’t come with a neat little answer.
But if you’ve ever loved someone who made you feel invisible in the relationship, this question has probably haunted you more than once.
Here's the truth I’ve come to learn:
Narcissism isn’t black and white.
It is recognized as a personality disorder—Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—by the American Psychiatric Association. According to the DSM-5, NPD is marked by a grandiose sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration.
Sounds familiar, right?
But here’s the catch: only about 0.5% to 1% of the general population are actually diagnosed with NPD, and it's more common in men than women (APA, 2022).
Yet somehow, it feels like we’re all dealing with a narcissist these days.
So what gives?
Personality disorder or just toxic behavior?
Not everyone who’s selfish or emotionally abusive has a clinical diagnosis.
And this is where the conversation gets sticky. Because mental illness is not an excuse to treat people like sh*t.
Let me say that again: Just because someone might have deep wounds or childhood trauma doesn’t mean they get to destroy you in the process of avoiding their own reflection.
Plenty of people have trauma.
Plenty of people didn’t get the love they deserved growing up.
And still—plenty of people choose healing over hurting.
So when someone constantly crosses your boundaries, manipulates you, guilt-trips you, and twists your words until you don’t even trust your own gut anymore—that’s not a mental health issue.
That’s a lack of accountability.
Can narcissists change?
According to psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula—who’s basically the go-to expert when it comes to narcissistic abuse—change is possible, but rare. Most narcissists don’t see a problem with their behavior. Why would they? They’re usually too busy playing the victim while you’re bleeding from a thousand emotional paper cuts.
“Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum,” Dr. Ramani says. “But consistent change requires consistent insight, and most narcissists don’t have that. They are wired to deflect, deny, and destroy.”
Oof.
Been there.
So no, narcissism isn’t exactly a choice like picking an outfit.
But the refusal to change once their behavior is called out?
That is a choice.
So is gaslighting.
So is playing mind games.
So is making you feel like you’re too sensitive for reacting to their disrespect.
What does this mean for us?
If you're like me—someone who's loved a narcissist, lived with one, maybe even gave birth to one (kidding… kind of)—then you're probably tired of walking on eggshells just to keep the peace.
You’re tired of asking, “Why can’t they just be kind?”
And maybe you’re even blaming yourself for staying too long or loving too hard.
But I want you to hear this:
Their behavior isn’t your fault. And their healing is not your responsibility.
Whether it's a diagnosis or just straight-up selfishness, they chose not to protect your heart.
So now it's up to you to choose yourself.
And no, choosing yourself doesn’t make you the narcissist.
It makes you finally free.
Need support?
You’re not alone. According to a 2021 study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 60% of survivors report emotional abuse as the hardest to heal from.
Find a safe place. Talk to a therapist. Trust your gut again.
Because while narcissism may or may not be a choice—
Choosing peace, walking away, and healing?
That absolutely is.
