Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that can make you question your reality, memory, or perceptions. It’s a toxic trait often used by manipulative individuals to gain control and power in relationships, leaving you confused and doubting yourself. If you’ve ever felt like you're losing your sense of self in a relationship, you may be a victim of gaslighting. In this blog, we’ll explore common gaslighting tactics used by toxic partners, how to recognize them, and how to resist their impact. I’ll also share a personal experience with a family member who gaslit me for years, and how I reclaimed my emotional autonomy.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychological tactic where someone intentionally manipulates you into doubting your perception of reality. Psychotherapist Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, describes it as a pattern of manipulation that makes the victim feel confused, disoriented, and second-guess themselves. While this tactic is most commonly seen in romantic relationships, it can also occur in friendships, workplaces, or even family dynamics.
In my case, I experienced this behavior from a close family member. They would constantly dismiss my feelings, distort past events, and make me believe I was overreacting. At first, I couldn’t tell what was happening, but over time, I began to feel like I was losing myself.
Common Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighters use various tactics to undermine your confidence and sense of reality. Here are some common strategies toxic partners often use:
1. Denial of the truth: Even when presented with facts, a gaslighter will deny them outright, claiming, “That never happened.” This tactic confuses and makes you question your memory.
2. Minimizing your emotions: Gaslighters often belittle your feelings, saying things like “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.” This causes you to doubt the legitimacy of your emotions.
3. Projecting their behavior onto you: A gaslighter may accuse you of behaviors they’re guilty of, making you feel defensive and further confused. For example, they might say, “You’re the one who’s lying,” when they’re the ones being dishonest.
4. Rewriting history: They will manipulate past events to fit their narrative, making you believe your memory is faulty. Statements like “You’re remembering it wrong” or “That’s not how it happened” are typical.
5. Isolating you: Gaslighters often try to alienate you from friends and family, making it easier to control your thoughts and emotions. They may say things like, “No one else cares about you the way I do,” making you feel dependent on them.
Recognizing Gaslighting in Your Life
For years, I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong in my relationship with my family member. Every time I tried to express how I felt, they would turn it around on me, making me feel unreasonable. I remember confronting them about a situation where they had clearly hurt me, only for them to say, “You’re being dramatic.” I started doubting myself and apologizing, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
The moment I realized what was happening, I felt both anger and relief. Anger that I had allowed this manipulation to go on for so long, and relief that I wasn’t losing my mind. Recognizing gaslighting can feel like a breakthrough, and it’s the first step toward reclaiming your power.
How to Resist Gaslighting
Once you recognize gaslighting, the next step is to protect yourself from its harmful effects. Here are some ways to resist gaslighting and reclaim your emotional strength:
1. Trust your instincts: You know your reality better than anyone else. If something feels off, trust your gut. Don’t allow the gaslighter to make you question your perceptions.
2. Keep a record: Write down conversations or incidents where you feel gaslighting is occurring. This will help you maintain a clear sense of reality and provide you with evidence if the gaslighter tries to deny events.
3. Set boundaries: Toxic individuals will continue gaslighting as long as you allow it. Setting clear boundaries about what behavior you will and will not tolerate is essential. Be assertive in your limits and stick to them.
4. Seek outside support: Having a trusted friend, therapist, or family member to confide in is crucial. Gaslighters often try to isolate you, so staying connected with others helps you keep perspective.
5. Rebuild your self-confidence: Gaslighting erodes your self-esteem, so it’s important to focus on rebuilding your confidence. Affirmations, therapy, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment can help restore your sense of self-worth.
As researcher Dr. Stephanie Sarkis states, “When someone is gaslighting you, they are trying to erode your reality. One of the best ways to combat it is to be firm in your own truth.”
Overcoming My Own Gaslighting Experience
Over time, I learned how to stop letting my family member's toxic behavior affect me. I sought therapy and leaned on friends who helped me see through the manipulation. I began setting boundaries, like walking away from conversations where I was being gaslit. It wasn’t easy, and it took time to rebuild my confidence, but eventually, I regained control over my emotions and sense of reality.
Gaslighting is a harmful form of emotional manipulation that can distort your reality and erode your self-esteem. Recognizing gaslighting is the first step toward freeing yourself from its toxic grip. By trusting your instincts, setting boundaries, and seeking support, you can resist gaslighting and regain your emotional independence.
By: April Carson
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References:
- Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Crown Publishing Group.
- Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People - and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.