When money becomes a weapon, we don’t always see it coming. Financial abuse doesn’t start with someone grabbing our paycheck or shutting down our credit cards. It’s sneaky. It can begin with something small—a partner "offering" to take over finances, suggesting how you spend your money, or even questioning every purchase. But before you know it, you’re left feeling trapped, powerless, and broke. Financial abuse is real, and it cuts deeper than just dollars and cents.
One of my closest girlfriends (we'll call her “M”) gave me the okay to share her story. She’s a survivor of this kind of abuse, and I’ll be real—it gets heavy, but it’s important to shed some light on it.
How They Manipulate with Money
For M, it started with her partner "helping" with bills. He convinced her it was a smart move since he was “better with money.” At first, it felt like love—trusting someone to have your back. But soon, M noticed all her paychecks were being funneled into a shared account that she didn’t have access to. Any time she wanted or needed money, she had to ask. Yup, ask. Grown woman, working full-time, asking for gas money like she was grounded or something.
Financial abuse is about control. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), this type of abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Control every penny, and you control the person. And for many, leaving becomes impossible because, well, how do you escape when you can’t even afford a bus ticket?
Dr. Adrienne Adams, a researcher specializing in economic abuse, states that, “Survivors often remain in abusive relationships because they lack the financial resources to leave.” This dependency keeps survivors trapped, leading to a vicious cycle that feels impossible to break.
What Financial Abuse Can Look Like:
1. Controlling All Money: Your partner “manages” all accounts, pays bills, and makes financial decisions without your input.
2. Forbidding Employment: They keep you from getting or holding a job.
3. Ruining Your Credit: Running up debts in your name, maxing out credit cards, or refusing to pay bills.
4. Monitoring Spending: Constantly questioning or restricting what you buy.
5. Taking Your Income: Demanding your paychecks or any money you make.
Steps to Reclaim Your Independence
Okay, so maybe this is your situation or feels uncomfortably close to it. It’s scary, no doubt. But you can start taking back your power.
1. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is key. Look up resources about financial abuse and what steps to take. Organizations like NNEDV and the Purple Purse (a program by the Allstate Foundation) offer tools and education.
2. Secure Important Documents: Get copies of IDs, social security cards, bank statements, and any shared assets.
3. Open a Secret Bank Account: If possible, set up a private bank account. Hide any correspondence related to it (thank goodness for paperless statements).
4. Create a Safety Plan: Whether it’s a packed bag stashed with a trusted friend or a quiet exit strategy, think ahead. Financial abuse often comes with emotional and physical threats too.
5. Seek Legal Help: Reach out to organizations offering free legal advice for domestic abuse survivors.
When M finally left, it wasn’t easy. Her first night out of that toxic relationship was spent crashing on my couch, eating microwaved noodles, and crying about everything she’d been through. But she also started rebuilding. We found a local shelter that offered support, and she slowly got back on her feet. She’d lost a lot, but not herself—not fully.
Don’t Let Money Chain You
Financial abuse thrives in the shadows. Sharing stories, getting loud about what it looks like, and knowing how to fight back? That’s how we shatter the grip. You’re more than your bank balance, and no one has the right to turn money into a leash around your neck.
By: April Carson
References:
- Adams, A. E. (2011). "Measuring the Effects of Domestic Violence on Women's Financial Well-Being." Michigan State University.
- National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV): nnedv.org
- The Purple Purse - Allstate Foundation Program: Purple Purse
A Few Resources That Could Help You or Someone You Know:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence): nnedv.org
- The Purple Purse by the Allstate Foundation: Purple Purse
